Laser tag was full of shenanigans, and if you wanked out on this one, well, fuck you.
Our defacto RA for the night, Just Terry (who admitted his nickname was Tea Bag), was pretty awesome at letting us break most of the rules of laser tag:
No Climbing
No running
No foul language
No hitting
No Butt Sex
Red Team basically dominated the shit out of Blue Team all night. If you were on blue team, you suck almost as much as blue balls.
Then we made a switch to free-for-all. Every hasher for himself. Which was fun once everyone realized we weren’t playing on teams anymore. This is when Ass Burgler turned into a laser-mutilating machine and pwnt the shit out of everyone in the course. Seriously. I only got hit more by Princess LayYa, who would hide in a fucking corner all night like a tiny honey badger with an AK47. Some wanker climbed up on a block and looked like an idiot when I tagged him every lap around the place, but Honkey Dong wins the “don’t give a shit” award for playing an entire round with gun in one hand, and drink in the other. Whoever was sniping from up top the observation area– you still didn’t win, even cheating. It was fun to watch though. Cumless somehow won almost every round. Probably due to her cheating with a sweatband over her gun so that she could shoot with one and smack hoes with the other (I had her other sweatband but I always lost so it wasn’t cheating when I used one.)
By the way, what the hell was the deal with the bases? I don’t think anyone figured it out, but fuck blue team’s base. You guys sucked so hard, your base went down faster than Last Action Queero on Justin Bieber. Speaking of which, wtf ever happened to Glitter Spitter? Maybe he wouldn’t have quit if we’d named him Glam Guzzler. My bad.
Bumper cars were had, and we had an epic 3 car pileup. Yes, hashers managed to crash bumper cars, like the bunch of fuckwits they are. Then Dickie Wong was trying to give a handjob to someone in a neighboring car and got his good masturbation hand all messed up. Don’t worry, Spoontang has volunteered to dry-hump him until he recovers.
Dance Dance Revolution was also present, for our more rhythm-minded laser taggers, and Just Sean and little brother Just Michael enjoyed bouncing their balls into each other’s holes to win enough tickets for YuGiOh cards. Oh my.
Then ButtSex ripped off my elf ears like a dick. Then I had to explain why I wasn’t wearing them anymore, which was infinitely more awkward than telling people why I was wearing them to begin with.
All in all, I’m proud we didn’t get 86’d from the joint entirely. Mad props to Cumless for setting things up, and look forward to more inappropriate hash socials in the future!
